10 minutes in my head

It was unusually nice today, almost 70 degrees. I'm in Missouri. It's February. I was all O to the M to the G! and opened every window in the house. I did a lot of cleaning because Friday we are having a bunch of people over for dessert and drinks and stuff.

My friends Todd & Mark came over today to bring dinner. It was amazing: a four cheese and mushroom lasagna, salad, a loaf of homemade bread, and caramel brownies. I'm so glad to have such lovely friends.

I'm exhausted. I didn't sleep well AT ALL last night. My arm is fucking killing me, not just where it's broken, but my wrist as well. I took 2 oxycodones and 2 naproxen. I'm not sure if that's a good idea, but it worked like gangbusters. The oxycodone, I've noticed, makes me feel pretty damn cheery. Upon Googling it, I've found it does give people a sense of euphoria. THAT'S why people are all like "Wanna share?". Although I do enjoy the happiness that comes with it, I really need it for the pain. I am not the pill popping just for fun type, nor am I the sharing my prescription drugs type.

I wish I had a book club to join. Some kind of mad rebel insurrectionist kind or book club.

I don't really want to go back to work. At the same time, I want to go back and seriously kick some ass. Because I hear that things are not being done properly. The lives of dogs are in our hands, and there is no place for slackers. Wanna slack? Get a job at fucking MCDONALD'S.

I don't know why I am bothering with a blog. NO READERS. It sucks. No comments for days, which sucks too. It's depressing!

Bits & Pieces

I need to redecorate around here. There's about to be a lot of painting going on. My goal is to buy almost everything second hand. We need some storage furniture because we have one closet in the entire apartment. I am not even kidding. ONE. Anyway, we've been in our apartment for almost a year, and I've never really done anything to make it ours. This comes, I think, of having just been in survival mode. We really haven't had any extra money, we haven't even had enough money. So of course the tax refund check makes me REALLY HAPPY. Effervescent, even. I've been looking for inspiration online and in magazines, and I have so many ideas it's actually overwhelming.

On Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, dinner is delivered to my house. A friend of mine put the word out that I had broken my right arm and was unable to do much of anything, so people are chipping in to help out. It's really blown my mind. Some of the people I know, some I only know on Facebook, and some I don't know at all. Tonight a woman I'd never met brought over a beautiful dinner: zucchini Dutch cheese casserole, spinach and strawberry salad, and apple strudel. Each time I am floored, and I just don't think a simple 'thank you' is quite enough. I'm totally taking advantage of this as a way to get some new foods onto our regular rotation because we've been in a total dinner rut lately. When people ask what we want, I tell them to please make something they enjoy making. Anyway, I know some awesome people.

This inability to do things is kind of making me nutty. My typical day starts a 5 AM, throw on some clothes and walk my dogs until 6:30 or 7:00, go to work until 3:30, walk my dogs some more, check over Justin's schoolwork and get him set for the nest day, throw together dinner, make sure all the kids are clean and Cailey's homework is done, do some housework......and on. And on, until about 11:00 and then I can sleep. There's not much sitting and relaxing. Also, with all that walking, I wonder why I am not foxy.

I feel like I am talking to myself on this blog. Am I unreadable? Do I totally suck? What do people like to read about in someone's blog?

A bunny, outside an art studio on my street.

Tank, a Rescue

This is Tank. I found him on July 4, 2011. We had had days of thunderstorms and scorching heat. He had no food, he was drinking green water from a 5 gallon bucket. If you look at the top picture, you can see the heavy chain that was used to tether him 24/7. The mud around him was inches deep. His ears were fly bitten so badly, they were just big open wounds. We pulled him and took him to the shelter, where he spent six months before leaving for a foster home. Being an American Pit Bull Terrier or APBT mix is one of the things that keeps dogs from being fostered or adopted. Too many people believe the bullshit.

 Tank is doing great in his foster home. I knew he would. He was always such a well mannered dog with such a sweet heart. While he's waiting for his forever home, he's being spoiled by my lovely friend Megan. If you're ever looking for a great dog, please consider adopting a shelter dog.

A Big Sigh

I went to see the orthopedic specialist this afternoon. He was pleased with how well I can move my hand and wiggle my fingers and such, but says there will still be another four weeks or so of healing time. I'm cleared to go back to work RIGHT NOW, but only for things that do not require the use of my right arm. There is no part of my job that is not incredibly physical and exhausting, but I sure as hell don't want to sit in a cubicle. I'm a little worried they might expect me to do that. I'd rather just spend my time at home with my family. While I'm making less money collecting worker's comp than I would be if I were getting paid, we're ALREADY fucked (financially, and fucked is fucked...a little bit of money isn't going to change it), we may as well enjoy our time. Especially since there is nothing useful I can really do with only my left hand. It would only be something to keep me busy, there's nothing necessary. The office workers (most of them) are unpleasant to deal with, and I was seriously burned out when I broke my arm. There are a lot of problems where I work, so many I could write a book about it. I very strongly believe in what we do, it's just.....the politics. The time off is desperately needed so I can recharge and replenish......

The money shortage is bad this week. We had to replace two dangerously worn tires on our van, among other things which left us with about $15 to last until Thursday. I can't afford to buy my prescription, I will have to be a bad ass until pay day.

Aside from that, I am well rested and decompressed from work, and it feels like my mind is on fire. There are a million things I am ready to do RIGHT NOW.I am especially excited about gardening outside, but I'd also like to cultivate a windowsill garden using kitchen scraps like carrots, celery, potatoes, and maybe a bit of ginger. It would be interesting for my three year old, especially. Also, I want to make some terrariums in empty aquariums we have sitting around.

There's also some pieces of furniture I need to sand and paint. I found these great shelves made of real wood, built like cubbies in a daycare. Five compartments long, so each is about seven feet tall (or long, depending) We have them standing, one on each side of our bed. They are blue, but a blue that just doesn't go well in our bedroom. They are awesome for the books we constantly accumulate....

My Gardening Start, And A Little About Poverty

In my garden, from Spring 2010

Today the boys and I started some seeds in 2 liter soda bottles. All of my seeds are organic, non gmo, and I am HOPING this year's garden will do better than last year's. We had a ton of eggplant, but not much else. I like eggplant, and as vegetarians, we rely on it for our burger fix{recipe here, if you're interested!} BUT DAMN IT WAS A LOT OF EGGPLANT. What I'm really after this year is a proper garden with a fuck ton of tomatoes because I really want to can/ freeze like crazy. Trying to buy organic produce is not easy where I live, not *everything* is readily available, nor is it affordable, and we are on a very limited budget.

Yes, we are POOR, and finding ways to live well, working to enrich our lives without spending money we don't have. So, gardening is one of those things. We've been punched in the face by the economy and made some unwise decisions. I miss having money, but I've found that, in some ways, this poverty has given me more opportunities than one would think. I've connected with people I wouldn't normally have, I've found passions I never thought I'd have.

I've learned to grow some of our own food. Even though it's out of necessity, it's given us something to do as a family that isn't using gas or costing money (except for the initial start up fund), and it's a great learning experience for all of us. We garden without the use of pesticides/ herbicides, and we'll be learning to preserve different things this year (my three year old insisted on growing beets, and I am 35 and have never eaten a beet in my life)...so! Lots of learning!

I started volunteering, because it really is a great way to find a job. I did find a job that way, but I also widened my circle of friends. And while I know ALL  kinds of people (rich & poor, atheist & religious, etc) we are all connected by our common passion. Also, serving others is GOOD for you. It adds such a richness to your life! It's easy to write a check to make a donation, but getting out there and working your ass off for something you believe in? It's infinitely better for you. I see the absolute worst of people, but I see the best of people too.

When we had money, taking a vacation meant going somewhere and staying in a hotel. But we can't really afford it now. I've connected with people online, through blogs and Facebook, and have cultivated friendships all over the country. I've gone to Colorado for the first time to visit a Facebook friend, and she took us all over Colorado Springs and Manitou Springs. We stayed in her little house with her daughter (the same age as my daughter) and her dogs, cooked our meals together and had a lovely time. This spring I am taking a solo vacation to Florida to stay with a bloggy friend I've known for a few years online. On the BEACH. I know the very kindest people.

We go to free local events. I've met artists, street artists, bands, poets, anarchists, activists, writers, etc. We are active in our economically diverse community, and nothing here is about how much money you have. In being poor, I really did learn that I have value that far exceeds the money I used to have.

A series of weird coincidences

My lovely friend Beth came over today, bringing me muffins and a card. We went the anarchists' bakery across the street for coffee (fair trade! organic!) and good conversation. It was really great to see her. It would be nice to spend more time with her.
She's one of my favorite people. She's smart and kind, she works hard and is an independent thinker. Very much a revolutionary type with amazing ideas and philosophies.
Beth was in my dream last night. We were having muffins and drinking tea with Anais Nin, who told me I should paint my writing room gray, and proceeded to get right to work on it. Beth and I began to stencil ampersands on the walls, and one dog from the shelter was there with us. So! Here's where the weirdness comes in! Beth showed up today with muffins, and as we were walking to the bakery we saw a window display of artsy odds and ends, some of which were vintage wooden ampersands. And then? We are both reading the same volume of Anais Nin's diary. Weird!

A Broken Arm

Last Wednesday I broke my arm. My emergency room visit was a nightmare....But the aftermath? Not so bad. I'm off of work for a while, so I get to spend time with my husband, kids, AND my dogs. It's been something I've been needing for a while. I feel so much less stressed out. 

I work with a lot of volunteers, and you know they are the people that have the best hearts. One, named Donna, has organized a dozen or so people to bring dinners to my house every other day during the week. It's my dominant arm that's broken, so I'm pretty much useless as far as being able to cook and clean, so it makes my day so much easier. It's so nice to have a smiling person showing up at my door with food!

I am missing the dogs at the shelter, and I definitely miss being able to walk my own dogs. It was the best part of my day, those walks. Especially with Conrad. Of all of my dogs, I think I am most bonded to him, and we have the best walks together. 

I have my son making some clay markers for my garden. While I envisioned lovely markers with some kind of botanical theme design on them, I am getting robots and superheroes. They will look snazzy, I am sure, and I am super grateful that he is making them for me since *I* can't.

I have time to read! I've had this book on my shelf for years, because Anais Nin is an important writer. I've tried repeatedly to read it, but I could never really get into her writing for some reason. It turns out, all I needed was some peace and quiet, and motivation. I'm not really sure what I think of it, since I'm reading it in the midst of a painkiller haze. 

Monday Monday

I'm ready to start my herbs inside! I have a bunch of 2 liter soda bottles that will be hung in a sunny window. I'll be recycling *and* showing my 3 year old the root growth. However, I am not just going on up to The Big Box Store to buy my seeds, I'm buying non gmo, non Monsanto affiliated seeds. They are nearly impossible to find. I did find a garden/ farm center here in the city that carries Livingston seeds, but it doesn't open until March. The lovely people at Livingston are, however, sending me 3 free packets of the herbs of my choice, just to hold me over.  #how to treat customers

I wanted something a little more sophisticated....

I went to Upcycle Exchange in search of origami paper. People donate arts & crafts supplies, which are sold on a pay-as-you-wish system. There was no origami paper, but I bought some vintage maps, which can be used for some origami. I ended up buying it from the craft store, which is exactly what I didn't want to do. Anyway, I will soon have a flock of cranes hanging from my ceiling.

Conrad & Kieran

Conrad's biggest problem when walking is OTHER DOGS. I thought he was dog aggressive until a trainer assessed him, now we know he is just terribly rude and doesn't know how to meet dogs. I've tried high value treats while making him sit when he sees another dog, I've tried saving feeding time until walks and feeding him in the presence of another dog, there's a LIST of things I've tried. This evening I put a Thundershirt on him and took him for a walk, and it was AHmazing. He would lunge and bark, and he had a very aggressive appearance. After the dog was out of sight, he would continue barking, and be very anxious.  But this Thundershirt made such a difference. He saw the dog, he sat down, looked at me, and I began giving him lots of verbal praise and high value treats. I am so proud of his progress.

Bringing Home Dogs

This is Abby. When my youngest dog passed away, R said he would find the perfect dog for me. He picked her off of the street, running in a pack of four dogs. She would not come to him willingly, like the other three, he had to trap her. I watched the video, and it broke my heart. She had a length of barbed wire intertwined with her collar, and duct tape wrapped around her paws. There were deep gouges in her back legs from having been bound with wire. I assume this was from forced breeding, not being used as bait, as there were no other injuries. She spent a week or so being vetted and decompressing, and then I brought her home. It took her a little while to be 'okay'. She was depressed and subdued for several weeks. A friend of mine who does Reiki massages gave her some sessions, and it really did help. After the first session, she was like a different dog, open and cheerful and play bowing.

D.U. was her pack mate, and was not doing well in the shelter without Abby. It seemed like he knew she lived with me. He would sniff me with more interest than he sniffed anyone else, and he stayed focused on me when I was around. So I brought him home. He is, and always has been, a very outgoing and cheerful dog. But when I brought him home and he saw Abby? I thought he would explode with joy.

This is my whole pack. They've come a long way since their rescues, but I won't lie, there is still a lot of work that needs to be done. They're all a little particular about people, and Conrad (in the middle) really needs to be socialized with other dogs. They know their obedience commands, have learned to jump through a hoop, Abby and D.U. run on the treadmill in the basement.

Pallet Garden

We live in an apartment, and have a VERY small balcony, but we also have a yard that is  shared with  the downstairs tenants. We can use part of the yard for a garden, but I would like to have as much as I can on the balcony, easily accessible from my kitchen. 

I'm hoping for a much better garden this year than what I had last year. I want to use my space wisely, and have a wide variety of vegetables. I may be sharing space with a friend, which will also help to defray some of the work. This year, I really need to start canning and freezing. I met a woman a few years ago who had a pretty big garden, and rarely had to buy any vegetables at all....I'd like to be as close to that as I can. 

I'd like to have the yard fenced in completely, but it's a rental, so that isn't a likely thing. Ideally, we'd be able to have a nice outdoor living area. However, it wouldn't be nice without a six foot privacy fence. We're in the hood, yo. There's a lot of craziness around here. It's the fence issue that makes me seriously consider moving. I'd love a fence to keep my dogs in and the people out. If I could have some chickens too, that would be awesome. 

I always feel like I'm starting my planning too late. Shouldn't I have already started my seeds inside? Shouldn't I know where everything is going to go? There's lots of work to be done.....

Some Good Things That Happened Today

Hunts

This is my friend, Hunts. When found, he was near starvation. He fattened up some, and has been overlooked so often while staying at the shelter. He's been there for a year or more. But today? ADOPTED. I am so happy to know that tonight he is in a home, with a family and another dog. He is not stuck in a 3x4 box, he is not lonely, he is in a home.

I had a great conversation with my friend Tracy. We talked for 45 minutes about things we think no one really gets but us. It's nice to know that someone gets me every once in a while.

A volunteer bought me lunch, a veggie sandwich and the absolute best pasta salad I have ever had. EVER. I love that someone was thinking of me, and knows I am 1-always hungry and 2-a vegetarian.

My husband had a job interview today that went pretty well. It would mean both more money and more hours, and i would have to do something different as far as my schedule goes, but that's fine by me.

My lovely 14 year old daughter cooked dinner, which is a great thing especially since I have been on my feet since 5 AM.

It was a good day.

Seven Things About Me

1. I love solitude, and I don't get nearly enough of it. It gives me time to reflect and replenish, and I need to have time to myself to maintain any kind of sanity. I am happiest walking a dog and listening to music.

2. I love when I have time to be creative. I taught myself to knit from a book, and made scarves, but nothing beyond that. I've made pants form t-shirts for my youngest when he was much smaller {tutorial here}. I used to make jewelry.  Anything creative, and I'm happier.

3. My favorite things to eat (as of this very minute) are clementines and avocados.

4. I love my work, but I long to be a stay at home mom. I imagine my house being way more orderly and clean, my kids being happier, my dogs being better behaved. And the time I would have for the things I *want* to do.  And OHMAHGAWD I would probably have the required energy to paint over the previous tenant's purple that is our living room. Also, there would occasionally be naps. For me, even.

5. I collect books. I used to have so much more time to read, and I never liked to borrow books from the library, but rather to have them as my very own. And instead of ever culling my collection, I just got more bookcases. Hopefully, I'll have time/ energy/ focus to sit a read soon.

6. I don't watch TV, ever. I can rarely sit through an entire movie.

7. I grew up in a military family, and we moved fairly frequently. I have never, even in my adult life, lived in any one home for longer than two years. I've been in Missouri for a long time, I'm in my 11th year and that's a record for me.

Where AM I going?

street art in my neighborhood

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately, and I'm dismayed. My favorite kind of blog is a personal blog. I want to read a blog and feel like I'm getting to know the writer. I don't care about review blogs or giveaway blogs, and I'm not trying to start my own at home business.

I hate the 'I'll follow you if you follow me' thing that seems to so common, because I am not looking to collect followers. I could get tons of followers that way, after a rather large investment of my time... but who would actually read my blog and have something to say? Not that I am always comment worthy, I know. I would rather blog for..some kind of connection. Maybe that comes from my being so socially awkward in real life. Anyway, I love that there is support for bloggers from bloggers, I just wish that there was more of it for PERSONAL bloggers. Big sigh.

I'm not really sure what I want to do with this space I've made for myself. I know what I don't want it to be: a dumping ground for all my bitchery. I want it to be honest and real and interesting and relatable.

If you come across this post in the great big blogosphere, why do you blog?